You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
