OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
