I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize