I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
