I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
