U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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