He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
