i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i will never coherently bang her
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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