a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
