I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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