he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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