I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
