Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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