I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
