summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
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