Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
