how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
