Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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