I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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