The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Also, beer. Big fan.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
