I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
