Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Randomize
