He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
