is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
