Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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