I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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