I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize