The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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