I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
