so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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