can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I need to calm my uterus...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize