I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
