does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
wanna go halves on a baby?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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