He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
