I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
