He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
