i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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