is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
