Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize