No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize