I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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