I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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