6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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