you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It's blow job season.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
