I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I am spending my child support on dildos
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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