She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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