I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
