dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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