just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
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