I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Verdict: uncircumcised.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize