just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
