First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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