Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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