they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
