I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
thus making me awesome and them whores
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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