He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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