If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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