i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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