just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
