watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
