Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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