My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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