Your mouth is God's brothel.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
