Soap is not a condiment
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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