finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
