put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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