So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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