im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
