I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
