Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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