i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
