My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
