OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Still dying that you shit outside
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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