well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
